I Am Not My Thinking-ness – November 15 2018

So the first realization is that one is not one’s thoughts. One’s thoughts are like a curse. [Laughter] I shouldn’t say that. It sounds so severe. One’s thoughts are like bad luck… You see, the core of the ego is narcissism. The narcissistic core of the ego is the sense of ‘I’ coming out of the source of the ego itself… 

 

The naive person thinks that the ‘thinking-ness’ is who they are. They become then at the effect of this thinking-ness. The are subject to it. They are the victim of this thinking-ness. They begin to hate the content of their own thinking-ness, and they begin to hate themselves because they think the thinking-ness is who they are. ‘I have bad thoughts.’…[W]e live in fear then of the content of mind because it’s labelled with guilt. Sin and guilt is [sic] primarily labels. So the first thing to realize is, ‘I am not the content of mind.’

David Hawkins, from the recording, 

Realizing the Root of Consciousness, June 2002

 

Most of us spend most of our time in our thinking. Paying attention to our thoughts about the world, rather than being in the world. Paying attention to our thoughts about each other, rather than paying attention to each other. Judging, discerning, dividing the world into that which is safe and that which is not. Speculating on what should and should not be happening. Trying to ‘figure out’ our life, our path to happiness, our path out of sorrow or discomfort. 

 

It’s a long-standing habit, and at times it can feel as if we have little or no control over it, over this voice of the ego, this voice of narcissism and self-centered fear. And indeed we have very little control over what it says or how often it says it. The ego will chatter on, regardless of whether or not I want it to. The ‘thinking-ness,’ as Dr. Hawkins calls it, will continue, with or without my permission. What I do have control over is how much attention I pay to it. 

 

I always have a choice in terms of my attention. What will I attend to? Anything other than my thinking-ness. The sensation of this body in space, the play of light on a passing car, the feel of the steering wheel or the coffee cup in my hand. The words of my friend as she tells me her story and the way her hair brushes her cheek. And when I get pulled into my speculating mind–trying to figure out the world and my place in it, what does this or that mean about me or for me–simply noticing this has happened, letting go of the thoughts and coming back to an awareness of where I am, who I’m with, how it feels to be in this world.

 

As I practice this, again and again, whenever I realize I’ve been pulled back into my thinking, I begin to experience what I am that is other than my thinking. And this other thing I am, as it turns out, is so much more powerful than the thinking-ness, so much more in alignment with the universe, and so much more fun than anything I’ve ever thought in my entire life, that being this other thing begins to become my habit. It becomes easier to choose. And as I continue to choose it, that place inside I’m able to contact in meditation begins to be available to me outside of meditation as well.

 

And then things start to get interesting.

 

Today I will remember that speculation leads only ever to suffering. I will notice when I am thinking rather than listening and I will return to listening. I will notice when I am avoiding feeling what it feels like to be in this body, and I will bring my awareness back to this body. I will notice when I am wrapped up in self, and I will commit to the process of unwrapping, one day at a time.

 

Bowl on Table, downtown Los Angeles, CA